The morning Clay left I was also assigned a new nurse. She came in and told me I was having contractions (ummm...yes...I have been having them for a few weeks...that is why I am here). She told me that she is going to send my contraction papers over to L&D and see what they think. I thought this was a waste of time and that nothing would happen...I was wrong. She soon came back in and told me they were going to move me to L&D "just in case" and so I gathered up some things and headed to my now 3rd room.
I got all hooked up and called Clay and my family to let them know that I was in L&D but I am sure nothing was going to happen because I didn't fell any different (at this point I felt maybe a few contractions a day). Camie and Nat came and painted my nails for me and my mother in law stopped by real quick too. Clay asked if I thought he should come back but I told him just to come when he is done with work.
So basically I have been sitting on my butt for the past week with them pumping 50 gallons of fluid into me and I was a little annoyed that they had moved me again. But I remembered that my doctor told me that every single day I kept those babies in it benefited them immensely (and I tried to remind myself of that in times of frustration...I saw it has my first test of motherhood and I really wanted to try my hardest).
Clay arrived back that night and we settled in the an uncomfortable sleep.
Around 3 am I woke up with what I now realized was contractions. I tried to wait them out but started to scare myself and woke Clay up. He moved it chair close to my bed and held my hands. I told him that I had been really frustrated the day before and maybe my negative attitude was now affecting my body. Clay said that wasn't true and that he knew my heart was set on keeping these babies till 34 weeks.
With contractions getting stronger we called in our nurse (and although I sound like a broken record she was definitely one of my favorites). She asked if I wanted anything for the pain and I told her no because these contractions will stop and I will go back to my room (I was so sleep deprived that I thought she meant an epidural but she was talking about other pain relief). She went to ask the doctor if she should check for dilation but they said not to because they didn't want to mess with me.
I continued to labor and poor Clay would fall asleep until I would unintentionally squeeze his hand too tight (which was happening frequently). Finally it got to the point where I was having a hard time talking (I never screamed but I would just quietly say "no, no, no, no"). My nurse got the okay to check me and I was at a 4 which meant that they were going to be delivered now. I started to cry...no longer from pain but out of pure fear (something I hadn't experienced in my life so far).
Clay called everyone and the nurse got me ready. Before they wheeled me away my nurse gave me the biggest hug and whispered in my ear that she is so sorry that this was happening (seriously the nurses at McKay Dee are angels).
They wheeled me in operating room and checked dilation (I had moved from a 4-9 in one hour without mediation...no wonder it hurt). They gave me a quick epidural and right before they gave it to me I almost said "Wait, can I please go back to my room. I will not get out of bed for anything...not even the bathroom". But I didn't say that I only silently cried.
Clay held my hand and out came Avonlea and she let the world know it. She let out a scream that was much too big for her little body.
The doctor showed her to me...I am ashamed to admit but at that moment I wish she hadn't. My baby girl was too small. She almost didn't look real in those huge hands holding her. She was tiny and screaming...and it was all my fault.
They took her to the other room and Clay asked if my tears were happy tears and I shook my head no. I let go of Clay's hand and told him to go with her. He left and I waited for Rhett.
Rhett was pulled out by his feet and didn't cry for a while. When he finally let out small cry the doctor showed him to me. It is amazing what a pound difference does for a baby. I looked at him and felt comfort seeing that he wasn't smaller than his sister.
They hurried him to the next room and once again I told Clay to leave me and stay with them.
As the doctors finished up they chatted about their days in a nonchalant way. I looked up over to the clock and noticed that only 15 Min's had passed since they first wheeled me in. I started counting the ceiling tiles and when I finished I counted the dots on the ceiling tiles. I emotionally was overwhelmed and counting made me feel better.
Clay walked through the operating door holding a bundle of blankets. Inside the blankets was tucked the most beautiful little baby girl I had ever seen. She had large eyes like her mama and light blond hair like her daddy. She was so calm now and I instantly felt she would always be a strong spirit for good.
Clay told me that everyone was shocked in the other room because she was doing amazing. My tears were now happy tears as I realized that this precious baby girl wasn't furious with me for bring her early but was furiously fighting to live. She was my fighter...and she was winning.
The peace was broken by Clay informing me that he had to bring her back and that Rhett wasn't doing so well so he couldn't bring him in. He said that there was a whole team for each baby and that they told him they would try to sneak me into the NICU to see him before I go to the recovery room.
They parked my bed into the recovery room and Brittany was already waiting for me. Soon my in laws joined and Clay showed up too. I let Clay fill them in with the story as I sat there trying to sort through my feelings. I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't sad but it was like my emotions were so filled that they were spilling from my eyes.
I think there are turning points in our lives and most of the time we don't realize them until they have come and gone. However, sometimes we are perfectly aware that they are happening right then and this was one of those times. An hour earlier I was a completely different person than from the one that was sitting in this bed. I had the largest emotional stretch marks from growing as a mother in such a short amount of time. I felt the sacred weight and responsibility of helping guide (and guard) these little ones through life.
One my hour of recovery time was done they wheeled me into the NICU like promised. This is when I touched my little Rhett for the first time. He had more tubes than his sister so getting him out of the incubator was a chore. My little man had a squire jaw inherited by the Moultrie men and wavy blond hair. He looked like an old man...which was perfect because I love little old men. He had an amazing peaceful way about him and I knew he would always bring me comfort in years to come...just as he did that day.
I went back to my little room tucked in the maternity ward that had been my home for the past week and soon everyone left. Some went home while others went to see the babies and I was left alone.
This was THE longest day of my life.
The birth of my kids didn't go as I expected...or how anyone expects it to and things went so quickly I never really analyzed what happened. It was always forward thinking and reaching our next milestone. I thought that I hadn't let this experience faze me but instead I had blocked it out completely. It was too much for my brain to handle so it didn't. There were many experiences throughout this day that were overwhelming and emotional. It felt like I was being tossed around in a wave and when I could come back up for air I would be pulled under again.
BUT
This experience has given me the most beautiful gifts in the world. When I held them I knew they were mine and that everything would work out eventually. I learned that I don't have control over many things (no matter how hard I try) and to be okay with that because the alternative is to go into a dark twisted place. My kids are the light of my life (Clay is the love of my life and Joy is the joy of my life...see what I did there). I grew personally so much in one day and each day since I have tried to be a better person...because my kids deserve that...they deserve me at my best.
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