I am non of these things....where are my people?
Where are my people who will listen without any personal bias as I navigate being a "part member home"? I should really call it a "quarter member home" because I am not even a full fledged mormon. (I am more of a "gray" mormon which I am sure makes my extended family's skin crawl).
Clay has his "former mormon" podcasts...his blogs...his instagrams...his forums...his websites...his youtube channels...his people. Yet he says he still feels alone....where are my people?
I don't want to be "won" by either side of the mormon/ex mormon so I choose not to speak to those groups of people but in the middle of Utah that leaves me with ZERO people who haven't already made up their mind about this religion (one way or another).
I do talk to God. He hangs out with me when I paddle board. He chills in the passenger seat as I sit in the drive thru at Starbucks waiting for my coffee. He hums along at night while my children and I sing primary songs before bed. But I feel like he doesn't have much feed back on this matter because he only replies to me "well that sucks" when I complain about being alone.
This is all my fault.
I was the one who doubted the church first. I was the one on a long drive home that told Clay I thought Joseph Smith Jr. was a selfish man. I was the one who was bitter with God about being childless or directionless or for having depression.
If I hadn't brought all this up then maybe Clay wouldn't have dabbled in things and we wouldn't have eventually become a "quarter member home".
Today my kids were brought their speaking parts in the Children's Sacrament Primary Program and my heart fell out of my chest and landed somewhere among the toy mess that I can't seem to get under control.
I always wanted to see my kids in the Primary Program. I wanted to beam with pride as they said their part loud and clear and then make silly faces at them when they would sing. I wondered if they would be afraid to speak in front of everyone or be so excited that they yelled into the microphone. Would they know the words to the songs or would they refuse to go up and stay seated with me?
In all of these scenarios Clay was always by my side...but now...I would be alone
Like I said...this is all my fault...and where are my people?
Clay worries that I will be swayed by the idea that our family cannot function without a priesthood leader and that we won't work out...the truth is...I worry about that too.
Mostly I worry that there are no people like me because there CAN'T be people like me. You are either in or out and if you're part way in you will either soon fade away or you will find a new other half who will be "all in".
Why can't I just be a whole person? A whole person who is half in. Where are my people?
"Church is a hospital for healing, not a country club for saints".
I have that written in my scriptures...I heard it at EFY...
(will my kids ever get to experience the awkwardness of EFY??)
I want this statement to be true...is wanting something enough for it to actually happen?
As a nervous joke teller how can I overcome the stiffness of going to church alone without saying inappropriate jokes that have a strange undertone of religious frustration.
My people would understand my jokes...but where are my people?
MISSING:
There has been a missing persons report filed for "quarter mormons", who tell inappropriate jokes, think the hymns are the best part of church and has an internal struggle about whether they should work out that day or start "tomorrow".
They were last seen wearing flip flops to church and an expression of panic as their child has ran up to the stand again in the middle of the sacrament only to have them scream about not wanting to get spanked as they are dragged out to the foyer.
If found please contact Chelsea Moultrie because she is worried she is the last of this unicorn breed.
Anyways...I don't know why I wrote this. I guess it is because my heart is hurting (and still lost among the legos) and maybe someone is hurting too?
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